my mind. September 30, 2009

I’ve been really confused lately and I think I just need to get back up on my feet.  I find myself missing the days when JA forced me to do things against my will, and Mitzi woke me up at 6:45 every morning.  It’s not that I miss high school.  It’s that I miss the motivation that comes with needing to impress people.  At JA, even if you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING- you were still doing something.  Unmotivated people at JA got their bitter hatred out towards the private school that they were forced into by doing other things.  I didn’t realize this because my entire Jackson Academy career I was trained to think that “being popular” was the most important thing.  If you don’t have the social skills to hang with the in crowd, you end up spending a lot of time forming a really close group of friends who don’t judge you.  You take art, you join showchoir, you join band- all of these have terrible stigmas associated with them at JA for some reason.  I actually stopped at 6th grade band because of the fear of social suicide… and to think- I could have been a professional Clarinet player by now.  Instead of 5th grade basketball,  I joined choir.  Another social disaster, because I was one of 3 people in choir and one of 5 people NOT playing basketball.

Maybe all of that is some sort of shallow mindset that I was just in because of my angsty bitter view of “the popular kids.”
In reality, the popular kids were what kept the unmotivated kids going.  Whether it was because we wanted to be better than them, happier than them, or just know that what WE did was more fun that what THEY did- it was all a driving force towards one goal: happiness.

Once the popularity issue dropped away [though for some of us who still joke about hanging out with Mags and Liv, it stayed hilarious for a while],  it changed to a different sort of popularity contest.  The kind that judges musical taste, artistic ability, and uniqueness.  We still joked about the “popular kids” being popular, but it didn’t really matter as much.  They could have very well been oblivious to the fact that we even existed, but- to be honest- we didn’t really care about them either.  The people who were looked down upon for being in band, choir, and art had focused on their skills and made cliques of their own.  I went through a phase in the 9th grade where I HAD to be listening to the most obscure band possible so that I could cover up the fact that Dixie and I had listened to Good Charlotte and Simple Plan openly for so long.  I started going to shows in the 8th grade and became infatuated with the music scene.  At this point [the 8th grade], I still had popular and unpopular engrained into my skull.  There wasn’t another option.
I went to these shows where the so called “unpopular” older kids were dressed in hip clothes and apparently had all sorts of friends with similar interests.
It was kind of like stepping out of a glass bubble.

The point of all of this [besides to clear my overflowing mind] is that Mississippi State doesn’t motivate me to be better than anyone.  I don’t go to class covering my face when I can’t wear makeup and cute clothes.  In fact, I roll out of bed every morning with no intent to look good.  Just to go and be on time.

I come from a family where I grew up doing EVERYTHING.  Money was never an issue.  Objects were only important because they were fun and neat and new, not because they cost 500 dollars.  I had never even THOUGHT of money as an issue until I moved in my house my sophomore year.  I suddenly was conditioned to think that because they didn’t have enough money to do things, I shouldn’t either.  I started to feel guilty asking my mom to buy me things, even though she offers every single day to take me shopping.  I’m sure it was good that I was out of my spoiled brat phase, but was I really?  No one told me I had to be.  I just started to assume that buying things was bad.  It was never bad before.  None of my JA friends ever thought anything of money.  Or they never judged people for spending money.

I can’t really explain whats happening in my head actually.
Except that I already have a head start in the real world because my mom worked and worked to be able to support me.
I want to be motivated to do something with my life, and if going to a different college is the answer- then so be it.

I’m going to start taking opportunities.

TITLE. July 13, 2009

You know the kind of people you meet that remind you what it’s like to want to spend every second with a person?

It’s a good feeling.

Also, I feel like everyone is really comfortable with this.
No matter how strange it may seem.
I love my friends.  I’m getting Kurt’s name tattooed under my big toe.  He’s getting Kerry.  BESHTFREENZ.

I am so happy {/anxious} about the rest of the summer.
Going back to Stark will be extra hard this time.

One Year. July 4, 2009

When people say that things get easier over time, they really mean it.  I can still hear Ethan’s laugh echo through my head, but the fact that I can’t text him for answers is easier to digest now.  We just took a shot of rum for him.  Ben, Dylan, Claire and myself.  I think it was a good group for a memorial shot.  That’s exactly what he would have wanted, honestly.  I’m sure the whole night will be full of “memorial shots” and drunk things.  I guess I don’t have an interest in this holiday anymore.  Sure, it has it’s meanings.  It’s meaning for me has completely changed.  Independence?  America?  Okay.  No.  This day will always be about Ethan Lang, whether I’m 20 or 90.  So maybe this wasn’t the day he died, but this is the last day that I spent drinking heavily with him until 4 in the morning.

Time has stopped.  I feel like July 4th 2008 was yesterday, and it’s already July 4th 2009.  I can’t comprehend the fact that it really has been a year.  It’s been a year since I’ve seen the person I used to spend every second with.  What do you do with that?  You wait, and eventually a year will pass and you will realize that that person will always be there with you.
It’s not an option to forget something like that.
It’s not an option to forget someone like that.
It’s not an option to forget.
Your only option is to go on living life to the fullest because even if he can’t be here, you can.

So happy July 4th, everyone.
And to Ethan David Lang, I love and miss you more than you could know.

CAT PARTY. June 2, 2009

Cooper had to go to the vet yesterday because he got in a cat fight with one of the neighbor cats.  He stayed overnight, but we had to figure out how to calm him down.  This is where Ophelia becomes the therapy.  The most adorable, white kitten with blue eyes and a sliiightly yellow tail.  It takes one look at her to know what it feels like to be in love, and we decided to test that on Cooper.  Success.  Ophelia now has a big brother, and Cooper has gained respect for his own species.  Hopefully. 

The main event of the day isn’t Cooper’s return from the vet or the infinite sadness that lies behind my dog’s eyes. [Seriously. The fact that cats are running this house has really gotten to Kylie.]  THE SIMS 3 came out today.  I woke up at 6:50 this morning because I knew I would want to download it at 7 when it came out.  Not only was I halfway asleep trying to figure out what I was doing, I DOWNLOADED THE WRONG ONE.  Apparently, when you’re buying/downloading a game from EA games, they don’t care to specify that the mac version cannot be downloaded from the site.  Thanks, guys.
No worries.  I’ll be playing it on my mother’s computer.

I’ll give a nice little review of the game later. :) peace.

The blue house. May 25, 2009

Princess Ophelia is playing withmy ponytail. Now whitneys. Claire and I drove to Lake Bruin for Madison’s bachelorette party. Crazy. Dylan got a really pretty Alex Grey book called Art Psalms. You should google him; he knows what’s up. I may go to Target and buy sports bras because I need some comfortable new ones. Now ophelia is asleep because we wore her out. Crazy kittiesss. I think Cooper has the potential to be a famous show cat because he is handsome.
Okay I’m done.
Peace.

Electrons. May 20, 2009

I’m writing this from my iPhone so we can see how good I’ve gotten at typing. I’m laying in bed because I just woke up. I need to clean out my car today but that’s a joke. Cooper loves morning cuddle time; probably because I’m not much of a cuddler when I stumble in at 3 in the morning. He understands though. It’s a Jackson summer. If I hadn’t of come back here, I would have completely evaporated into Starkville. Not good. I needed change from Jackson, but now stark makes me want to die.
Not reAlly. Whatever. I go through phases.
Dr. Gamble gave me a book called Concept Therapy. It’s really interesting despite the fact that it looks like a textbook. It’s about how consciousness is a part of all matter; all the wAy down to the electrons. I’m only halfway done, but Dylan is reading ahead of me to get me pumped about it.

Luv.
[these kitties are cooper and princess ophelia.]

Summer. May 19, 2009

I think that journaling my thoughts will be a good idea.  Whitney wants me to and stuff.  Cooper is getting so big; like a lion.  At the blue house tonight, i saw everyone i know within 12 feet of each other.  Mostly everyone.  I want to embrace the summer the way I used to embrace the summer.  It doesn’t feel as epic as it used to, but I’m trying to change that.  

I’m seeing if I can incorporate more positive thoughts into my brain.  
I really need to sleep.  Water is good.  Change is the only constant.

All that stuff.
Luv.

Cram. April 27, 2009

Well, It’s 5 in the morning and I have been studying all weekend. Constantly.  I figured that since I don’t have an exam tomorrow, it might be a good idea to have my all-night exam study session tonight. I think since I’ll be able to sleep tomorrow, I won’t be as lacking in sleep as I might have been if I had waited.  I think I finally figured out how to study.  For a really long time, I didn’t even kind of know where to start studying anything.  I would read over my notes once and not have a clue where to go from there.  It always ended in me convincing myself I already knew the stuff, and it would be stupid to try to do anything else.  What I didn’t realize was that I am an extremely visual learner.  Rewriting things and using different colored highlighters helps imprint the information into my brain.  It’s the distinguishable difference between knowing and understanding.

Cooper has gotten huge, and with exams/boyfriend I don’t get to stay at home with him as much as I used to.  He does a really good job of reminding me that he appreciates me.  It’s a completely different relationship than with Kenny.
[Moment of silence for Kenny.]
Kenny and I grew up together.  He knew I had his back, but he never really saw me as the primary caregiver.  My mom fed him and did all the dirty work, and I just loved/cuddled on him.  On the other hand, Cooper is like my child.  My responsibility.  I know every meow he can come up with, and I know what mood he’s in just by the way he interacts with me.  There’s this one mood he gets in right before we go to sleep.  He’ll purr constantly and it’s like he knows that it’s time to be a kitten and love on his momma.  He won’t go to sleep unless I let him use my hand as a teddy bear.  He likes to lay right beside me and put his nose on my nose, and that’s my favorite because it’s really easy to go to sleep when there’s a steady purring by your face.  He’s in my lap right now; he hates the sound of the keyboard.

So, boyfriend?  I’m still trying to figure out the whole “normal mature relationship” thing.
It’s working slowly but surely.  Slowly isn’t usually my forte, but it makes sense with Paul because we’ve been friends for so long.  There’s where the problem lies.  The friend zone.  I tortured him in it for so long that sometimes I just forget and revert back to “friend zone Kerry.”  That’s where I’m allowed to have my own problems, but not really have to worry about the way my emotions effect anyone else.  Not a good thing.
I’m working on it.

I’m done with school on Thursday, and I’ll be home sweet Jackson on Friday.
Look for me at your local retail store.

Peace.

For Whitney. April 21, 2009

i’m going to update for whitney because she wants to know what i’m thinking.  i’m watching futurama at pauls.  he’s making me tea. a boyfriend who makes me tea? he wants me to be happy always. it’s good.

we celebrated the holidays.  i’m really sleepy so i might go to bed right now.
that sounds like a really good idea actually.

i’m still trying to emotionally let go of xanga.

NIGHT WHITNEY.

the easy way gets harder all the time. March 4, 2009

\

It’s my birthday. I’m twenty. It makes me feel kind of sick. I’m kind of having a really off 2009.  I miss my friends.  I’m having a lot of trouble letting my Starkville friends be the friends they want to be because I’m stuck in this other world.  Honestly, I miss all of you people that I dont see anymore.  I’m talking about the ones that I spent every second with for months at a time and now they’re just gone.

What about being twenty? I just spent the last 2 hours of my teenage life in my bed. I’ve spent a lot of time lately not doing anything.  Of course, my self medicating doesn’t help.  It’s like getting caught up in a cycle where you slowly turn into some piece of shit that sits on the couch all the time watching tv.

I’m supposed to write.  I’m supposed to get things out of my head and onto a computer screen. 
Focusing outwardly gets people out of their heads. I’m in my head too much.  Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because of my psychology classes.  I’ve been bottling all these emotions up for so long.  Not extremely long, but long enough to turn me into a mental case.  I have the books to prove it.

So there. Happy Birthday to Kerry.
I apologize for turning into a completely different person.  I apologize for making you listen to me whine.
This could be the beginnings of a larger cry for help.  Maybe not.