Maybe all of that is some sort of shallow mindset that I was just in because of my angsty bitter view of “the popular kids.”
In reality, the popular kids were what kept the unmotivated kids going.  Whether it was because we wanted to be better than them, happier than them, or just know that what WE did was more fun that what THEY did- it was all a driving force towards one goal: happiness.

Once the popularity issue dropped away [though for some of us who still joke about hanging out with Mags and Liv, it stayed hilarious for a while],  it changed to a different sort of popularity contest.  The kind that judges musical taste, artistic ability, and uniqueness.  We still joked about the “popular kids” being popular, but it didn’t really matter as much.  They could have very well been oblivious to the fact that we even existed, but- to be honest- we didn’t really care about them either.  The people who were looked down upon for being in band, choir, and art had focused on their skills and made cliques of their own.  I went through a phase in the 9th grade where I HAD to be listening to the most obscure band possible so that I could cover up the fact that Dixie and I had listened to Good Charlotte and Simple Plan openly for so long.  I started going to shows in the 8th grade and became infatuated with the music scene.  At this point [the 8th grade], I still had popular and unpopular engrained into my skull.  There wasn’t another option.
I went to these shows where the so called “unpopular” older kids were dressed in hip clothes and apparently had all sorts of friends with similar interests.
It was kind of like stepping out of a glass bubble.

The point of all of this [besides to clear my overflowing mind] is that Mississippi State doesn’t motivate me to be better than anyone.  I don’t go to class covering my face when I can’t wear makeup and cute clothes.  In fact, I roll out of bed every morning with no intent to look good.  Just to go and be on time.

I come from a family where I grew up doing EVERYTHING.  Money was never an issue.  Objects were only important because they were fun and neat and new, not because they cost 500 dollars.  I had never even THOUGHT of money as an issue until I moved in my house my sophomore year.  I suddenly was conditioned to think that because they didn’t have enough money to do things, I shouldn’t either.  I started to feel guilty asking my mom to buy me things, even though she offers every single day to take me shopping.  I’m sure it was good that I was out of my spoiled brat phase, but was I really?  No one told me I had to be.  I just started to assume that buying things was bad.  It was never bad before.  None of my JA friends ever thought anything of money.  Or they never judged people for spending money.

I can’t really explain whats happening in my head actually.
Except that I already have a head start in the real world because my mom worked and worked to be able to support me.
I want to be motivated to do something with my life, and if going to a different college is the answer- then so be it.

I’m going to start taking opportunities.

It’s a good feeling.

Also, I feel like everyone is really comfortable with this.
No matter how strange it may seem.
I love my friends.  I’m getting Kurt’s name tattooed under my big toe.  He’s getting Kerry.  BESHTFREENZ.

I am so happy {/anxious} about the rest of the summer.
Going back to Stark will be extra hard this time.

Time has stopped.  I feel like July 4th 2008 was yesterday, and it’s already July 4th 2009.  I can’t comprehend the fact that it really has been a year.  It’s been a year since I’ve seen the person I used to spend every second with.  What do you do with that?  You wait, and eventually a year will pass and you will realize that that person will always be there with you.
It’s not an option to forget something like that.
It’s not an option to forget someone like that.
It’s not an option to forget.
Your only option is to go on living life to the fullest because even if he can’t be here, you can.

So happy July 4th, everyone.
And to Ethan David Lang, I love and miss you more than you could know.

The main event of the day isn’t Cooper’s return from the vet or the infinite sadness that lies behind my dog’s eyes. [Seriously. The fact that cats are running this house has really gotten to Kylie.]  THE SIMS 3 came out today.  I woke up at 6:50 this morning because I knew I would want to download it at 7 when it came out.  Not only was I halfway asleep trying to figure out what I was doing, I DOWNLOADED THE WRONG ONE.  Apparently, when you’re buying/downloading a game from EA games, they don’t care to specify that the mac version cannot be downloaded from the site.  Thanks, guys.
No worries.  I’ll be playing it on my mother’s computer.

I’ll give a nice little review of the game later. :) peace.

Luv.
[these kitties are cooper and princess ophelia.]

I’m seeing if I can incorporate more positive thoughts into my brain.  
I really need to sleep.  Water is good.  Change is the only constant.

All that stuff.
Luv.

Cooper has gotten huge, and with exams/boyfriend I don’t get to stay at home with him as much as I used to.  He does a really good job of reminding me that he appreciates me.  It’s a completely different relationship than with Kenny.
[Moment of silence for Kenny.]
Kenny and I grew up together.  He knew I had his back, but he never really saw me as the primary caregiver.  My mom fed him and did all the dirty work, and I just loved/cuddled on him.  On the other hand, Cooper is like my child.  My responsibility.  I know every meow he can come up with, and I know what mood he’s in just by the way he interacts with me.  There’s this one mood he gets in right before we go to sleep.  He’ll purr constantly and it’s like he knows that it’s time to be a kitten and love on his momma.  He won’t go to sleep unless I let him use my hand as a teddy bear.  He likes to lay right beside me and put his nose on my nose, and that’s my favorite because it’s really easy to go to sleep when there’s a steady purring by your face.  He’s in my lap right now; he hates the sound of the keyboard.

So, boyfriend?  I’m still trying to figure out the whole “normal mature relationship” thing.
It’s working slowly but surely.  Slowly isn’t usually my forte, but it makes sense with Paul because we’ve been friends for so long.  There’s where the problem lies.  The friend zone.  I tortured him in it for so long that sometimes I just forget and revert back to “friend zone Kerry.”  That’s where I’m allowed to have my own problems, but not really have to worry about the way my emotions effect anyone else.  Not a good thing.
I’m working on it.

I’m done with school on Thursday, and I’ll be home sweet Jackson on Friday.
Look for me at your local retail store.

Peace.

we celebrated the holidays.  i’m really sleepy so i might go to bed right now.
that sounds like a really good idea actually.

i’m still trying to emotionally let go of xanga.

NIGHT WHITNEY.

\

It’s my birthday. I’m twenty. It makes me feel kind of sick. I’m kind of having a really off 2009.  I miss my friends.  I’m having a lot of trouble letting my Starkville friends be the friends they want to be because I’m stuck in this other world.  Honestly, I miss all of you people that I dont see anymore.  I’m talking about the ones that I spent every second with for months at a time and now they’re just gone.

What about being twenty? I just spent the last 2 hours of my teenage life in my bed. I’ve spent a lot of time lately not doing anything.  Of course, my self medicating doesn’t help.  It’s like getting caught up in a cycle where you slowly turn into some piece of shit that sits on the couch all the time watching tv.

I’m supposed to write.  I’m supposed to get things out of my head and onto a computer screen. 
Focusing outwardly gets people out of their heads. I’m in my head too much.  Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because of my psychology classes.  I’ve been bottling all these emotions up for so long.  Not extremely long, but long enough to turn me into a mental case.  I have the books to prove it.

So there. Happy Birthday to Kerry.
I apologize for turning into a completely different person.  I apologize for making you listen to me whine.
This could be the beginnings of a larger cry for help.  Maybe not.